⚠️Time to be real⚠️I'm not sugarcoating anything anymore; for my entire social media presence I've just allowed myself to keep things surface level and to show how great life can be. But in truth, life is a rollercoaster; there are moments of real height and fun and adventure and genuine joy, and there are moments I don't even want to see the light of day.
Life in Los Angeles has been a ride. My fifth anniversary living here is coming up this month--WOOHOOOO-- and time has honestly flown by, but what I've really learned from living here and pursuing my career is how to restructure my life as a creative adult woman. Taking care of myself and pursuing what is one of the most vulnerable careers known to human kind sounds a lot easier than it has been. Who would know that having to figure out what to fuel your body with on top of having a job that you care nothing about in order to pursue what brings you the most joy-- could be so hard??
Moving to a new city is scary to most people. Having to find places to relax, live, eat, enjoy life, and just be.. is a lot. When I first moved out here, I will happily admit I did not consider any of these things due to the fact that I was moving to a place where I felt like I could finally start living. I was listening to my intuition, my guide I've always had a strong connection to. Being in a city surrounded by creative artists, productions I rave about, and legitimate movie location spots was all I was focusing on. The excitement of being in a place I could finally feel at home in overtook my power of processing and I jumped in wholeheartedly.
First thing I noticed was I didn't have much of a hard plan; I knew I came out here to work as an actress, and that was about it. How to go about it, where to go meet people, what to sign up on to get work were all things I did not even think about. So once the realization hit me, I hit a bit of a roadblock that I was truly not expecting. I was one of those brave people that figured things out as they came along and for the first time in my life, with no plan on how to live life.
After the excitement of being surrounded by magic and wonder wore off, I found myself stuck in apartments looking for inspiration, looking for my breakthrough role that would change my life. I was on top of my health, eating the best I could, going to the gym, journaling and being outside as much as I could. The inspiration was coming to me nonstop. But after several months of the same, I found that my zest for Los Angeles became a little more dull. I stopped taking care of myself.
I always thought I had never truly known the ravages of depression in my life. I grew up with a loving, supportive family and I always did what I wanted to do because I enjoyed life. But experiencing fear, loneliness, and doubt had never really been moments I've lived through. The fact that life had hit a plateau, that I fell into a routine void of joy and excitement just because I was "adulting" was mind-blowing to me.
My mental health plummeted. I started eating more fast food, stopped going to the gym (that was one of the amenities of my apartment complex,) and stopped creating. I had hit a standstill and couldn't see a way out. From then on, life went through a bit of a rough patch. I'll be honest when I say I did not make good decisions and was attracting much of the same experiences for years. People that would take my energy instead of give back, jobs that would do the same, and a lack of excitement and joy which used to be my norm. I would go years through this same lens; without self-awareness opening my eyes to the type of life I had created for myself, I had not learned the lessons I was presented with and struggled immensely.
It was my latest birthday this past year that really allowed me to view my life and I did not like what I saw. As much as I shared the powers of manifestation, I wasn't actively doing the work and I didn't fully believe in my own power; I was very much a false prophet. A woman who settled for everything, who was just passing by and accepting what she thought she deserved; a limited life that gave only the bare minimum. Once I rediscovered my power and my connection to my intuition, I realized how much more I deserve.
I saw my life going in two directions: keep making the same mistakes and live the life I had settled for the past five years, or disrupt the norm and start afresh, only doing and gaining what I love in order to create the life I knew I have always been destined to live.
All of this to say, I am now present and intentional in life, and in doing so, taking care of myself. My life has drastically changed for the better and it will continue to do so, for I am finally as self-aware as I've always wanted to be in order to be the best version of myself. I am only human, and I continue to learn daily what it is to be happy, which is the best I can do. I realized there is no loss in opening up to the world, it is only then the world opens up to me.
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